I'm having a problem.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

So, since about last summer, interacting here has been triggering my social anxiety and I don't know why. I can't think of any particular reason. I'm trying to get around it. It's annoying because I need to break away from Facebook and I need to be able to talk with my friends.

Also my psychiatrist upped my Cymbalta to the maximum dose, and woah. It's sort of a lot. I have been overmedicated before, and asdfjkl;. I don't know if I should ask to cut back or give myself more time to adjust.

Speaking of which:

So I just binge watched all of Hannibal in about a week. And I'm waffling between "IT REALLY IS THE SHIP THAT SAILED ITSELF :D" (as the Fannibals like to say) and "Woah this is a depiction of a toxic gaslighty co dependent relationship if ever there was one and I'm not sure that the Tumblr Youth should be fanficcing about this with heart eyes." But there are two problems with this: A. I am tempted to fanfic about it with heart eyes (to the tune of "what would a Trans-positive version of Silence Of The Lambs look like?") and 2. LET PEOPLE LIKE THINGS.

Current Mood:

Watch on YouTube

Comments

[finch]

I hope you figure out how to make the meds work for you!

Hannibal is extremely complicated for me but I'm curious about your fanfic idea and I'd definitely read it.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

I know there has been a ton of times where I have been "I want to write x!" and then it never happens because my ADHD hops to some other topic, but I really do want to write this.

[sabotabby]

I am tempted to watch it because I love YouTube deep dives but I haven't actually seen all of Hannibal. I dunno, I liked it, it just left me cold, emotionally, and I have no idea why.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

As someone who is also enamored of Youtube Deep Dives, I must say that James Somerton is awesome at it, his channel is awesome, and I'd recommend any of his videos.

[lb_lee]

I mean, my concern for the Tumblr Youth liking Hannibal kinda is meh because... isn't it a show about a cannibal serial killer to begin with??? I feel like once you vault THAT hurdle, having the cannibal serial killer be queer and have shitty relationships just seems like the paint job on the charnelhouse!

*has not seen Hannibal, only read/seen Silence of the Lambs*

[numb3r_5ev3n]

The consensus of the Tumblr Youth who find it to be too problematic is that the cannibalism and serial killing are the least problematic aspects. Or, "Cannibalism doesn't squick me, but I draw the line at gaslighting and medical malpractice!"

It could almost be argued that the cannibalism/serial killing is *almost* a metaphor for Hannibal trying to get his crush to come out of the closet and accept his queerness. Which may seem to be a very strange thing for an out gay showrunner like Bryan Fuller to do, but it's hardly the first time horror has been used to address these themes (see also: Nightmare On Elm St part II.)

Yes, the relationship depicted is very toxic and gaslighty and I have no idea why I have glommed onto this show as much as I have in such a short time, except that I have the strong urge to write "fix-it fic," and I really want to write whatever a Trans-positive Silence Of The Lambs in this continuity might look like.

EDIT: LOL J/K I know exactly why I have glommed onto it so hard. It is hitting me right in the "More and more lately I have been feeling that I am a Trans Man, more and more I feel like I want to be able to come out and live openly as a Trans man, and there are just so many reasons why I feel like I can't right now."

[lb_lee]

"Cannibalism doesn't squick me, but I draw the line at gaslighting and medical malpractice!"

Pbbbbbttthahaha what hilarious bullshit and yet exactly how it goes. Murder, cannibalism, and "encouraging toxicity." Seriously, isn't the whole APPEAL of Hannibal that people piss on morals and do terrible things? What are they watching for, otherwise?

Also, aw, Seven, that sucks. You're always welcome to my side of the fence.

--Rogan

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Hannibal, in one macro:



(and thanks! :D I mean I was pretty sure everyone here would accept me, but IRL I'm really not sure how most people irl will react, except flamingsword who knows already, and my mom, to whom I have already come out to like five times.)

[lb_lee]

Yeah, having lived in that area, I do not blame you. But I am happy to supply and succor you with trans guy comics and such if you like! I can make recs!

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Sure, thanks :D

[lb_lee]

Sorry for the delay in getting back to this! Some of my favs:

Miles and Honesty stuff by Blue Delliquanti: https://bluedelliquanti.itch.io/ (A trans man and a trans girl become friends with benefits and have a NSFW good time being nerds together.)

Aw man, apparently Panic Volkushka isn't selling his naughty T4T art zine anymore, but if it comes back, it'll be here (and he has other trans work up): https://www.etsy.com/shop/panicvolkushka

It's prose, but you might like Supervillainz by Alicia E. Goranson, and hey, it's free to download now! http://www.alicia-goranson.com/writing/supervillainz_goranson_2006.pdf

And if you can get your hands on the photo book, it's worth the money, and it's not trans-guy specific, but I do love Rebecca Swan's Assume Nothing: http://www.rebeccaswan.com/art/assume-nothing/

I haven't read Tab Kimpton's work in AGES but recall enjoy Khaos back in the day, and he has a lot of work up now: https://www.discordcomics.com

I hope you enjoy at least one of these!

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Thank you so much! :D

[worlds_of_smoke]

So, since about last summer, interacting here has been triggering my social anxiety and I don't know why. I can't think of any particular reason.

Maybe because it's a LJ-clone and you met Certain People Who Ruined Shit on LJ?

[numb3r_5ev3n]

It's more like, and this is my best attempt to explain it, that I shared a whole lot of really sensitive internal stuff over the past year and a half or so after nearly a decade of not doing that, and it made me feel extremely self conscious.

[worlds_of_smoke]

that would do it too. I keep wanting to reboot this journal because there's way too much information about my past and I want a new start. No way I'll get rid of the name, though. And I wanted to write about my experience with my first EMDR appointment and I'm just... not really able to do it. And we didn't do anything but set-up for the actual EMDR!

(The fact that there are a lot of old and gone friends and it hurts my heart to see those people on my friend's list is a huge factor too. I absolutely know that one of them is dead, seeing as she had metastatic cancer and had chosen to decline treatment and that was years ago. Since denise has said she'll never allow a GreatestJournal-style function where you can remove people's access/subscriptions to your account to be implemented when I asked after the Evil Ex broke up with me and seeing all of their 15,000 accounts on my access/subscription list kept re-triggering me, it's the only way I can find closure, y'know?)

[numb3r_5ev3n]

That's totally understandable.