numb3r_5ev3n (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
numb3r_5ev3n) wrote2023-08-19 10:51 pm
numb3r_5ev3n) wrote2023-08-19 10:51 pm
Entry tags:
Mojo rising
So, I had lost myself over the past year or so, caught between OCD shame spiral ruminations, the SSRI medication that was supposed to be alleviating that and really wasn't and actually made everything worse (I'm starting to suspect that SSRIs really don't work for me at all) money problems, and the general ongoing suckiness of the pandemic that just won't end (covid is still here and it's still killing people.) I'm having a hard time getting my ADHD meds because there's a shortage and the pharmacy won't fill the prescription.
Somehow, somewhere, I found myself this week. I'm still trying to exactly work out how and where.
flamingsword helped me talk through some of it. But mostly it was just giving myself permission to access parts of myself that I'd compartmentalized away because I didn't feel like I was worthy if that makes sense?
It really hit me when I was reminiscing with some friends in group chat about the late 1990s. Some of the people in our group are late Millenials and were literally toddlers in the late 1990s, and sometimes us Gen Xers in the group will get on a "back in my day" tangent.
And the question is: how do you become the person you want to be anyway despite all of the bullshit that's happened? The thing is, 1998 me had no idea how much of an aptitude I really had for technical stuff. 1998 me wanted to be a combination of Stevie Nicks and Siouxsie Sioux - (ETA: and as I explained in a previous post, I was actually afraid of technology back then.) 2023 me has a much better idea of what my "best self" looks like. But it involves reclaiming a lot of stuff from 1998 that I'd locked away in my mind. I can't really explain it any better than that. Maybe, "what 1998 me would have tried to be if I'd known then what I know now."
I think every middle-aged person has regrets about their young adulthood, even if mental illness isn't a factor. There's a feeling of having squandered the best years of your life figuring stuff out, and by the time you have stuff figured out it's 20+ years later and you're middle aged and the world is on fire.
Anyway, at some point in the past few days, I started to dig up old image assets and play around with GIMP, and began editing my website again. Then I was like "I'm going to make a 90s Hacker Playlist." And I so did. And somewhere along the way, I rediscovered myself.
Also, since I guess this is a meme since the Barbie movie (which I still need to see) came out:
mojo dojo casa house
But on a more serious note:
Somehow, somewhere, I found myself this week. I'm still trying to exactly work out how and where.
flamingsword helped me talk through some of it. But mostly it was just giving myself permission to access parts of myself that I'd compartmentalized away because I didn't feel like I was worthy if that makes sense?It really hit me when I was reminiscing with some friends in group chat about the late 1990s. Some of the people in our group are late Millenials and were literally toddlers in the late 1990s, and sometimes us Gen Xers in the group will get on a "back in my day" tangent.
And the question is: how do you become the person you want to be anyway despite all of the bullshit that's happened? The thing is, 1998 me had no idea how much of an aptitude I really had for technical stuff. 1998 me wanted to be a combination of Stevie Nicks and Siouxsie Sioux - (ETA: and as I explained in a previous post, I was actually afraid of technology back then.) 2023 me has a much better idea of what my "best self" looks like. But it involves reclaiming a lot of stuff from 1998 that I'd locked away in my mind. I can't really explain it any better than that. Maybe, "what 1998 me would have tried to be if I'd known then what I know now."
I think every middle-aged person has regrets about their young adulthood, even if mental illness isn't a factor. There's a feeling of having squandered the best years of your life figuring stuff out, and by the time you have stuff figured out it's 20+ years later and you're middle aged and the world is on fire.
Anyway, at some point in the past few days, I started to dig up old image assets and play around with GIMP, and began editing my website again. Then I was like "I'm going to make a 90s Hacker Playlist." And I so did. And somewhere along the way, I rediscovered myself.
Also, since I guess this is a meme since the Barbie movie (which I still need to see) came out:
mojo dojo casa house
But on a more serious note:
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I keep joking about how the simulation is failing and I'll wake up in the 90s and everything will be fine but also I'm not joking.
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Sorry for the late response, but lately I've been thinking about how I would love to wake up in 1998 and find out that all of this was a simulation, but remember this timeline and know exactly what (and what not) to do next time.
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Looking back at the 90s in general is a bit rough. Less with regrets and more with certainty that if I had made X decision, Y might not have happened. Hard to explain how that's different from regrets, but it is for me.
Sending you hugs.
i had forgotten about lo-fi all stars, omg
I'm glad that I could help with the spiraling at all. Solidarity, comrade.
Re: i had forgotten about lo-fi all stars, omg
Yeah, my only way out of this funk is through. Being creative is helping, but I really need to get my next certs.
Solidarity! I hope you are able to find something that helps as well.
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