On self care.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Over the past 10-15 years or so in my time on the internets, I've encountered some buzzphrases that set my teeth on edge. ~Wellness~ and ~Mindfulness~ are some. Both, to me, smack of snake oil capitalists like Gwenyth Paltrow for one trying to sell a lifestyle and an image that is unattainable for many in a society where people struggle to afford actual healthcare. I see it as another facet of positivity culture, which I feel is toxic because 1. it encourages magical thinking instead of actual problem solving or coping mechanisms (especially for clinical or medical issues which don't simply go away with a change of attitude, or issues which stem from social injustice or economic inequality) and 2. it blames the victim when the magical thinking doesn't work ("you just don't have enough faith/aren't being positive enough!")

Lately I've been hearing people use a phrase "be gentle with yourself." And while on the surface it seems benign and benevolent, the more I think about it, the more it encompasses a type of behavior that I have also encountered a lot, and which I was trying to counter in myself.

It's so easy for "be gentle with yourself" to become "avoid anything that challenges you or upsets you or takes you out of your comfort zone." This could be a chore, a confrontation which needs to happen, an obstacle, an unpleasant truth.

Because I realized that I was doing that, and it was kind of wrecking my life. Then I overcorrected, and I took a risk that I shouldn't have taken. It's ok. I'm dealing with it.

But this reminded me of a phenomenon I used to see a lot on tumblr, where someone would commiserate about a situation. Someone else would offer well-meaning advice that involved maybe trying to deal with unpleasant stuff. Other people would barge in and start hectoring that person, accusing them of ableism. I saw this happen over and over and over again.

Here's the thing though - I'm not even talking about things that require physical effort, for the most part. There were some times that I avoided situations and confrontations that I really regret now, which represent missed opportunities that I'll never get back. We're supposed to grow as people. We're problem solvers by nature. It's really hard for some people, including me. But we're supposed to level up.

I see articles all the time; people are gaslit by capitalists about what they're supposed to be achieving. People are broke and exhausted and depressed. Everyone is the walking wounded. It sucks. I know all about spoon theory - but then I deduced some of the things that were specifically causing me to "lose spoons," and took steps to correct it. I know it isn't that simple for everyone. But we owe it to ourselves to try. To take risks. To be brave.

Comments

[tanathir]

Mindfulness has never worked for me as a mental health strategy. I already worry and overthink, so focusing and thinking MORE about things? Yeah, gonna make it worse for me.

[sabotabby]

SAME. And my work environment pushes mindfulness (which doesn't work on many people with anxiety, which just happens to be the majority of my students) as a cure-all for everything, and for the longest time I was the only one speaking out about it.

[tanathir]

I have had bad experiences with multiple therapists, so I am now just trying to develop coping and learn on my own. Just because mindfulness is the big buzzword and trend does not mean it helps everyone.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

I think mindfulness is especially difficult for those of us with anxiety based disorders. And unless a therapist has directly experienced something like that, it's difficult for them to "get it."

[sabotabby]

Like most things, there's a balance to be struck. Having dealt with a lot of ableism and activist burnout, both at work and in politics, "be gentle with yourself" and permission to be imperfect is a relief.

But now we've got the "self-care is a radical act" brigade, which easily slips into a "be the change" type solipsism, and that's just as destructive. I'll concede that sometimes it is, particularly for marginalized people. And for less marginalized people like me, who are still coping with a metric fuckton of pressures and invisible illnesses. But to me self-care needs to be restorative, not a complete answer to everything.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Yeah. I was really worried about sounding ableist, but mostly I was running into the negative aspects of this on tumblr. a few years ago. It just clicked with me this week that I was actually using some of that reasoning myself to avoid certain situations in my life that I really shouldn't have.

[mirrorofsmoke]

Damn. Where's the like button.
Quinn

[flamingsword]

There's kind of a difference between being gentle with yourself and being passive about everything? Like, I am gentle with myself in that I have specific time limits each day for engaging with depressing content that I can do very little about. I still engage with it enough to learn new things, but I don't uselessly grind my brains to mush on facebook's algorithm. Maybe we need more exact language, but it is hard to give advice that is both specific enough to be helpful and not so specific as to be patronizing. Navigating unspoken boundaries: it is the hard.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Yeah.