Do you ever get the sense that your life was supposed to unfold in a certain way, and include certain people, but something happened to completely derail that and now you’re just floundering and flailing in a vain attempt to get by in the wreckage of what otherwise would be the life that you were supposed to have, an imposter living a lie in your own life?
My brain has been trying to do this to me on and off since last summer, when certain events sent my brain back down memory lane. I *know* what happened really *was* the best case scenario, as far as I am concerned personally. Other people weren’t so lucky, even if they eventually got out ok. (And no, this is not about the Matrix Cult. This came way before that.)
But still. My brain still is trying to convince me that the summer that year would have totally kicked ass. That we would have spent the time at each other’s houses the way we had been doing the previous nine months, and that nothing would have changed, except that we would have learned more, grown stronger in our knowledge of the occult and Magick, and come out the other side as inseparable badasses ready to fight against the forces of darkness. (Basically, an Invisibles cell. None of us had read The Invisibles yet in 1994, but that was pretty much what we were aiming for.)
Like I said, what happened really was the best thing that could have happened. It happened, and I went on to have other experiences and actually live the life I have lived since then.
But what really, really sucks is that I can’t revisit very many of the places we used to go...because they’re not there anymore. Now it’s just a bunch of dead storefronts and urban blight. No one cares enough about that part of Garland enough to try and save it. The craft store is gone. The water park is gone. Most of the restaurants are gone. The flagship Wal Mart Superstore is still there - but now those are everywhere (and anyway, Wal Mart is the devil.) The theater is still there - Dallas’s first multiplex. It’s a shadow of its former self, and it is now a second run theater (though I still go sometimes to see stuff, and may even do so Friday.) The hippie flea markets (both of them) are either long dead or still dying, and have been since the aughts.
I still have memories, and the knowledge that what happened probably was “the thing that was supposed to happen.” I did not get stuck in an abusive relationship with a sexual predator and professional manipulator and gaslighter for years. I got out, even if I was thrown out. I was lucky.
Somedays I still have to work to convince myself that this is the case.
ETA, 4/4/2017: Well, I went back. And they actually are fixing the area up a little, or at least making it less dead. There is a 24 hour gym being built on the site where Mervyn's used to be. I'm still a little salty that the bookstores are gone, the craft store was replaced by a Big Lots, the water park was leveled and replaced by a car dealership, and the family-owned Mexican restaurants and Chinese restaurants we used to frequent have been replaced by chain restaurants - but the little dive bar is still going strong, and the Cinemark Hollywood Dollar Theater+restaurant probably has the best food offerings in the area anyway. I'm going to try the little dive bar out soon and see (when the events I was vagueblogging about last week occurred, none of us were of legal drinking age. :) So, here's to nostalgia. Sometimes things really do turn out for the best.
Flipside season is coming up again. Prep is always my favorite part because it gives me an excuse to do woodworking that I normally can't do, living in an apartment. I see all these pics on Imgur and everywhere else of people achieving intensive and crazy creative stuff on their balconies, or in their living rooms after having thrown plastic down over everything, and extolling the virtues of ventilation and vacuums when you just don't have access to a garage. I have ideas for coffee tables and bookshelves I want to do - instead of throwing down 200 dollars on shelves from IKEA, building something like this over one entire wall, for example, for maybe half the price! Mom actually suggested the old cinder block shelving arrangement, which I have seen executed in an extremely effective way at a friend's apartment.
Oh well, have a video.
Conversations I have had, and certain things I have heard, have been along these lines:
Example #1: My sister and I grew up during the Satanic Panic. My mother shielded us from playing Dungeons and Dragons and related materials until we were teens. We eventually obtained most of the sourcebooks and a subscription to Dragon Magazine.
One day, sometime in 1994 or 1995, my mom asked me why we "read so many evil books." She wasn't a Bible-thumper, though she had gone through a "born again" phase through most of the 1980s that was winding down in the early 1990s. I asked her what she meant - most of the books we had were stories of good triumphing over evil. In particular, I was attracted to Mercedes Lackey's Heralds of Valdemar books and R.A. Salvatore's Drizzt Do'Urden books at that point.
She showed me an issue of Dragon Magazine which we had lying around, which showed a knight in spiky armor fighting a Dragon. It wasn't a traditional romantic Arthurian representation of dragon slaying, but fell in more line with the gritty "grimdark" genre so popular in 1990s media.
I showed her the articles in the magazine - mostly gameplay discussion and dry number-crunching, along with reviews of upcoming TSR products. She wasn't even paying attention. She was looking at the artwork depicted within. "But the art is just so ugly. It's evil," she said. "It just looks evil. Why do you like looking at things that are evil? Why don't you focus on things that are nice or uplifting?"
Example #2: I was reading an article recently of an interview with W.D. Richter, about the evolution of a script which would have been the original version of "Buckaroo Banzai Against The World Crime League." There were apparently four screen treatments presented to the producers, and Across The Eighth Dimension" was the one they ended up going with.
They described the Fu Manchu-inspired villain of "Against The World Crime League" as a being of pure evil and "probably even immortal." One scene described him sitting in a bathtub full of snakes. "See - pure evil!" W.D. Richter exclaims. The context of the article (which I will link later) does not indicate that this is sarcasm.
I'll add examples later as I find them.
So, this is the most awesome fucking thing that I've seen in a while:
Based on the reaction to the video, they're making a film. Depending on how much they end up getting from the Kickstarter, it could be a 30-minute short film, or a full-length feature film. I'm hoping for the latter.
FIRST: A PDF of the Writ of Mundamus.
SECOND: The first steps to impeachment are already starting to go forward.
FOURTH: Trump's tantrum over Ivanka's clothing line being dropped by various retailers. Kellanne Conway tried to push her merch, and there were so many reports to the Government Ethics website that it crashed.
THIRD: Trump flunky and Utah Rep Jason Chaffetz actually bolted when the crowd at a town hall started chanting, "THIS IS YOUR LAST TERM!"
AAAND Trump's bigoted immigration ban was struck down again.
Supreme court docket shows this as a Writ of Mandamus (an order for a government official or govt body to do a specific thing: https://www.supremecourt.gov/Search.
I'm not one of those liberal/leftists who makes fun of "rednecks." On my father's side, I have relatives in Arkansas. Some of them are well-to-do, but we know we're only one or two generations removed from Ozark mountain folk who came over with the Irish Diaspora, and who were still speaking Gaelic until my paternal grandmother's generation.
But the (admittedly few) republicans I have talked to voiced the same opinion; that it's mostly the white working class who fears Islamic extremism, and Immigrants coming in and competing with them for jobs. My maternal uncle is retired. His kids, my Generation X-aged cousins - including the one black sheep who voted for Hillary Clinton (he used to refer to himself and my mom and us as "The Black Sheep Squadron") have for the most part succeeded in their chosen fields. They are decidedly middle class.
But for a few exceptions, my maternal relatives fall squarely into Trump's base - white upper middle class, making 47,000+ a year. This is the demographic that voted for Trump the most. The rust belt myth - that working class voters rebelled and voted for Trump because they felt the recovery left them behind - is a narrative that the MSM has been trying to push since November 9. They voted for Trump in a larger number than last time - enough to win him electoral votes in some key places. But they're not his base, though from the data it's true that Hillary's campaign didn't do enough to win them over. She just didn't go to places that her campaign felt were lost causes anyway. And she should have.
But that's a subject for another post. The point I am trying to make here is, if the ones I spoke to are reflective of Trump's middle-class base, many of his actual supporters voted for him thinking that he was straight-up lying to get votes, to appeal to a certain demographic that was not them, playing to their xenophobia with a smile and a wink of his eye.
Well, he's not. And in this case, it's proving to be the worst-case scenario.
Of course we're going to fight this. America was founded on the ideals of religious liberty, of separation of church and state, and of being a place where people who are imperiled in their land of origin can come and make a fresh start. To me, those are three things which made America stand out from other nations. It's so surreal that Germany under Angela Merkel is now the leader of the free world, while the incoming GOP leader is openly pandering to the Nazis and to Russia's strongman dictator.
It's not common knowledge that the core tenets of the Nazi mindset actually began in America and were imported to Germany during Hitler's rise to power. But my grandfather, and the fathers and grandfathers of many Trump's supporters went to war to fight people who sound like Trump, who keep company with people like Steve Bannon and Richard Spencer. They should have known better. And if you walk into the voting booth on Super Tuesday thinking that the candidate of your choice is lying just to get votes from a certain demographic, you seriously need to rethink your life.
After the report came out it still wasn't a good look for the Bush administration, due to epic bungling.
For years I was of the opinion that the Bush administration knew something was going to happen, but did nothing because it was convenient for them - one of my first LJ entries was on that subject. Then my opinion changed, and I decided that they had just been incompetent and complacent - but that they used the event after the fact as an excuse to drum up support for Bush, and for war in Iraq, even though none of the 9/11 terrorists were Iraqi, and there was no Al Qaeda presence in Iraq before the 2003 invasion.
According to some stuff I remember from the time, Bush had wanted to go back to war with Iraq prior to 9/11, but there was just no support for any kind of action, and no intel that anything was happening there for us to be worried about. Saddam Hussein was soundly beaten in Desert Storm 1991 - but it wasn't the "redemption" for losing in Vietnam that some people wanted it to be, because he'd escaped.
And if they knew something was about to happen and did nothing to stop it, it may not technically qualify as a false flag - but it still served its purpose of getting people to line up behind GW Bush and support a military action against Saddam Hussein that no one was in support of before.
But then 9/11 happened, and the Bush admin railroaded us to war. And the "we have always been at war with Eastasia" doublethink that conservatives adopted after 9/11 and leading up to the Iraq war laid the groundwork for what is going on right now with Trump. They want to be right, and they want reality to reflect what they think it should be rather than what the evidence says is actually going on. They want to feel good about themselves again after Vietnam and Nixon and Iran Contra and eight years of GW Bush. And everything they do to that end makes them look worse and worse, and deep down they have to be aware of this. But as usual in cases like this, they double down on the fantasy.
They're so deep in their fantasy right now that they're okay with Nazis. This is how far it's gone. When confronted about the worrying fact that so many white nationalists have essentially taken over the Republican party, the standard response is "You libs will call ANYONE a nazi" even though they straight up called Obama Hitler for eight years.
I think that the dissemination of the Richard Spencer punching video may be a wakeup call for some, but others I have talked to are like the "Nice Neighbors" from that one macro, who never rocked the boat and never spoke out of turn, or made trouble for anyone - and who refused to worry about their neighbors being dragged away by the SS or the Stasi.
The problem boils down to the fact that they just don't want to have to think about it.
I mean they can't even admit that Trump's just a trashy reality TV star who closelined Vincent McMahon and cheated on his wives and "grabbed women by the pussy," defrauded college students, and sold shitty vodka and subpar steaks. They have to act like he's some kind of anointed god to even be able to cope - something that they accused Democrats of doing with Obama even though there hasn't been any documented evidence to back this up, as there has been with Republicans doing so with Trump and George W. Bush.
It would be better if they just straight up admitted "we know he is a trashy reality TV star, we just voted for him as a protest vote and to piss everyone else off." But that doesn't make them feel good about themselves. And Republicans are reactionaries who respond to primarily to feeling.
This wasn't something I realized until someone in a FARK.com thread explained it to me, using Newt Gingrich as an example. Republicans experience no cognitive dissonance when New Gingrich, a serial adulterer, talks to them about Republicans being the party of "family values" - not because of the evidence of what he has done, but because of how his words make them feel.
You can present evidence to Republicans until you're blue in the face, and it won't matter - only feelings matter to them. They primarily respond to emotion. And they want to feel good about themselves.
This is why they hate "Social Justice Warriors." They don't want to think too hard about how the things they say or do may effect other people, and they don't want to be made to feel guilty for it. Their reaction is not introspection; their reaction is to angrily lash out at "Social Justice Warriors" because they made them feel bad. Yet the fact that feel bad means that on some level, they know what they are doing is wrong.
Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a drug.
They voted for a hostile, blustering, psychopathic narcissist who has promised to do things which will hurt his own base the worst, if he is allowed to do it; because we made them feel bad.
Think about that. Think about it especially the next time one of them calls you a "snowflake."
There is also an opportunity here for social engineering on a mass scale, if we'll take it - especially if we manage to use the Church Of Kek's own playbook against them. It's just that so many leftists feel like ain't nobody got time for that anymore. But if there is another terrorist attack, or anything of you nature, you can bet the Trumpettes will take advantage of it and rally the fence-sitters into full compliance - exactly the way they did after 9/11, and leading up to the War in Iraq.
Sound familiar? In the spirit of that theme, I post this now. Whatever you do, do it anyhow. Even if you have to fight for it. Especially if you have to fight for it. And remember: the sun never sets on those who ride into it. We just gotta keep going.
And this comes to us from Gorillaz:
Whatever happens, we won't be alone. We will get through this together.