13 February 2017 @ 12:32 pm
Realizations that are probably too little, too late  
Do you ever do something profoundly life-altering, and you don't know why at the time? And maybe you don't even realize why until years down the line? I'd buried the whole Matrix Cult thing. It was something that I mentioned on occasion to close friends, my roommates, my Burner camp (we do nearly everything together in Reality Camp, too - we joke that we *are* a cult. If the Matrix existed as presented in the films, we'd be a hovercraft crew, only our Playa names would be our hacker handles.)

But the actual psychological ramifications were a thing that only broke through at certain times, like back in February 2015 when Jupiter Ascending debuted in theaters. And that was a huge...relapse? Flashback? I am not sure what to call it. But it forced me to deal with a lot of the things I'd repressed.

Recently, something has happened to cause a lot of this stuff to come back to the forefront. Some of the people involved are likely reading this right now - and if you are, please don't worry about it, because this needed to happen. Last summer, stuff happened at Flipside which caused me to re-examine my first exposure to the idea that there were other people out there like me. People who felt different than human. People who had alters and/or headmates. Soulbonders. Otherkin.

Some people on here may be on the filter where I talked about that, but there is also this entry and this entry, which are public. It turned out to be a bad scene. I lost people who I thought were the best friends I'd ever had. She (my ex best friend) got to "keep" them - at least until her hold over them started to fall apart around 2 1/2 years later.

And back in July, I had a four-hour conversation with one of those people who'd been a part of that whole scene, and came to the realization that my "best friend" when I was sixteen was a predator who who had targeted people who were vulnerable and had qualities she felt she could exploit, and had dropped me because my "psychic/psychological immune system" started to belatedly kick in, and I called her out on it.

At the time, I felt so horribly cut off that my brief flashes of courage, integrity, and justified anger on behalf of another person hardly felt worth it. I ended up with the impression that I'd overreacted and the whole thing had been my fault, and if I'd just kept quiet, we'd have all remained friends. It set the stage for my life over the next fifteen years. I got into a habit of gravitating towards similar people, thinking I could "salvage" the situation "this time" and "fix" what had happened when I was sixteen. And I wouldn't be lonely or cut off anymore.

I got involved with a Matrix RP on LJ after one of the worst periods in my life, right after another friendship with another "other" person had fallen apart (this one an Essessani I'd met in the X Files fandom) She wasn't predatory or abusive in the least, but our mutual bad headspaces proved to be too much and the friendship didn't survive.

I was suicidal for months, about that and other things. Finding the Matrix RP on LJ in early 2004 was what dragged me out of it. But I went in the closet. I buried anything "other" after that - to the point that when known Matrix soulbonders/fictives tried to join the RP, my friends in the Matrix RP started to make fun of “those people,” (fictives, soulbonders, otherkin.) I joined right in, until the part of me that I was repressing started to quietly object. Not to paint my RP friends as being entirely in the wrong - there was other drama going on, and conflict for other reasons besides the Matrix fictives who’d tried to infiltrate the RP just being Matrix fictives.

But I told my friends in the RP that I was going to go infiltrate the “Matrix Otherkin Cult” and actually joined. And suddenly I was basically juggling two warring groups. And when the Matrix Cult split between “Neo” and Smith, I secretly kept in contact with Smith. So I was juggling three warring groups, and trying to stay loyal to all of them, which proved to be impossible. All to minimize the possibility of being “cut off” again.

And in doing this, I became the fakest person who ever faked. I presented a false front to everyone, in an attempt to stay friends with everyone. And this actually ended up costing me a lot of friends, and a lot of people’s respect, for totally legitimate reasons. Anyway, in the summer of 2005, people from “Neo’s” side started going through third parties to attack Smith (GAFF, Fandom Wank, etc.) And I confronted “Neo” about it directly. And "Neo" reacted in the worst way possible.

After the blowup with "Neo," I knew I had the moral high ground, but I felt cut-off again as never before. I was why I tried to re establish contact, thinking we could come to some sort of an understanding. I'd never intended to have a falling out with him/them. From their blog posts and other interactions, I was convinced I could reason with this person. When he and his girlfriend “Trinity” and a third roommate/Neo devotee got evicted from their apartment, I sent them money to get bus tickets so they could go back home to Maine.

They stopped over in Dallas and ended up staying, and moving in with me. I was certain that with enough stability they’d be able to get back on their feet. But that was never their goal. I ranted all about it here back in 2006. This was a mistake. The persona they’d projected via their blog entries was nothing like the guy who blew up at me over email - and who turned out to be an absolute nightmare to deal with in person, on a daily basis. I ranted about it here.

After we all got evicted and “Neo” and company left town, I went back into the closet again. I buried it for years, not realizing that I need "the other." I need to be a part of a community of people like me. But I’ve felt cut off for years. I’ve felt that I deserved it, even as I low-key started looking for communities and reaching out again.

I have great friends now, both IRL and online, who know me as I am. I’ve tried to be a better person over the past ten years. But I’ve never apologized to people like pixled and honey_child, and others who I deceived. I’m sorry I was a bad friend. I am sorry that I didn’t say so back then. I am sorry that I presented myself as someone I wasn’t. I’m sorry that I wasn’t just honest with you, because that could have prevented so much that went wrong.

And for years I looked back at these events and asked, "Why did I do all of that? why did I try and fly under the radar, when being open about things would have worked out so much better? Why did I betray good friends for a violent junkie psychopath who moved in on me and destroyed everything I had?" In trying to keep from losing a bunch of my friends again, and to stay friends with both the RPers and the Soulbonders at the same time, and by not being honest about that, I basically did a bunch of stuff that caused me to lose a bunch of my friends. 
Current Music: The Who - The Real Me
13 February 2017 @ 02:34 am
GIP - Testing new Image upload feature.  
Sax Dragon
10 February 2017 @ 12:34 am
Update on the Writ of Mundamus filed back in January to investigate the Russian Hacking allegations:  
 I should really be posting this over at Cyber Alfheim, and will probably xpost. But here are some new developments:

FIRST: A PDF of the Writ of Mundamus.

SECOND: The first steps to impeachment are already starting to go forward.

FOURTH: Trump's tantrum over Ivanka's clothing line being dropped by various retailers. Kellanne Conway tried to push her merch, and there were so many reports to the Government Ethics website that it crashed.

THIRD: Trump flunky and Utah Rep Jason Chaffetz actually bolted when the crowd at a town hall started chanting, "THIS IS YOUR LAST TERM!"

AAAND Trump's  bigoted immigration ban was struck down again.

08 February 2017 @ 12:22 pm
If leftist protests are all "paid protesters" then George Soros owes me all the way back to 2003.  
03 February 2017 @ 11:37 pm
Court Case Filed to Investigate Russian Hacking of 2016 Election  

Supreme court docket shows this as a Writ of Mandamus (an order for a government official or govt body to do a specific thing:


In a final push against the Presidency of Donald J. Trump, three mere citizens, Diane Blumstein, Nancy Goodman, and Donna Soodalter-Toman, are seeking to change the course of history by bringing an action to the last branch of government in hopes they may answer their concerns about the election, Donald Trump, and Russian Hacking. Currently, the case is in Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s hands, pending her recommendation for the full court to hear the case. Ginsburg has been the most vocal opposition against president-elect Trump, has called him a faker, and has publicly stated:

“I can’t imagine what this place would be — with Donald Trump as our president… for the country it could be four years. For the court, it could be — I don’t even want to contemplate that.”


Current Music: Rage Against The Machine - Take The Power Back
29 January 2017 @ 12:43 pm
Still one of my favorite protest songs, and a few pics.  

Image may contain: 1 person, closeup

Going back out there as soon as the Alieve kicks in.
Current Music: L7 - Pretend We're Dead
29 January 2017 @ 02:22 am
Video from the DFW airport protest over Trump's ban against Muslims  

Best protest chant?

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Juno Reactor - Navras
25 January 2017 @ 10:16 am
It's happening.  

Trump to sign executive orders banning refugees, suspending visas for 7 countries

You know, in the run-up to the election, my  relatives who voted for Trump were like, "Oh don't worry. He's just appealing to the evangelical rednecks. He's not actually going to do any of those things," when Trump talked about building a wall and banning Muslims on the basis of religion. And my mom was like, "So you think he is telling a bald-faced lie, and you're voting for him anyway? How does that make sense? Its bad if he's lying, and even worse if he's telling the truth about something he actually means to do."  

I'm not one of those liberal/leftists who makes fun of "rednecks." On my father's side, I have relatives in Arkansas. Some of them are well-to-do, but we know we're only one or two generations removed from Ozark mountain folk who came over with the Irish Diaspora, and who were still speaking Gaelic until my paternal grandmother's generation. 

But the (admittedly few) republicans I have talked to voiced the same opinion; that it's mostly the white working class who fears Islamic extremism,  and Immigrants coming in and competing with them for jobs. My maternal uncle is retired. His kids, my Generation X-aged cousins - including the one black sheep who voted for Hillary Clinton (he used to refer to himself and my mom and us as "The Black Sheep Squadron") have for the most part succeeded in their chosen fields. They are decidedly middle class.

But for a few exceptions, my maternal relatives fall squarely into Trump's base - white upper middle class, making 47,000+ a year. This is the demographic that voted for Trump the most. The rust belt myth - that working class voters rebelled and voted for Trump because they felt the recovery left them behind - is a narrative that the MSM has been trying to push since November 9. They voted for Trump in a larger number than last time - enough to win him electoral votes in some key places. But they're not his base, though from the data it's true that Hillary's campaign didn't do enough to win them over. She just didn't go to places that her campaign felt were lost causes anyway. And she should have.

But that's a subject for another post. The point I am trying to make here is, if the ones I spoke to are reflective of Trump's middle-class base, many of his actual supporters voted for him thinking that he was straight-up lying to get votes, to appeal to a certain demographic that was not them, playing to their xenophobia with a smile and a wink of his eye.

Well, he's not. And in this case, it's proving to be the worst-case scenario.

Of course we're going to fight this. America was founded on the ideals of religious liberty, of separation of church and state, and of being a place where people who are imperiled in their land of origin can come and make a fresh start. To me, those are three things which made America stand out from other nations. It's so surreal that Germany under Angela Merkel is now the leader of the free world, while the incoming GOP leader is openly pandering to the Nazis and to Russia's strongman dictator.

It's not common knowledge that the core tenets of the Nazi mindset actually began in America and were imported to Germany during Hitler's rise to power. But my grandfather, and the fathers and grandfathers of many Trump's supporters went to war to fight people who sound like Trump, who keep company with people like Steve Bannon and Richard Spencer. They should have known better. And if you walk into the voting booth on Super Tuesday thinking that the candidate of your choice is lying just to get votes from a certain demographic, you seriously need to rethink your life.
25 January 2017 @ 02:17 am
The Purge and Neoliberalism  

24 January 2017 @ 02:19 pm
Something to think about.  
Full disclosure: I was a "9/11 truther" until the report came out sometime in 2004. The part of me that still has truther sympathies is kind of worried right now, because last time a Republican president was ridiculed this hard, a major terrorist attack happened on US soil, and suddenly everyone was buying yellow ribbon magnets and wearing crying eagle sweatshirts, and talking about how we had to "respect the office."

After the report came out it still wasn't a good look for the Bush administration, due to epic bungling. 

For years I was of the opinion that the Bush administration knew something was going to happen, but did nothing because it was convenient for them - one of my first LJ entries was on that subject. Then my opinion changed, and I decided that they had just been incompetent and complacent - but that they used the event after the fact as an excuse to drum up support for Bush, and for war in Iraq, even though none of the 9/11 terrorists were Iraqi, and there was no Al Qaeda presence in Iraq before the 2003 invasion.

According to some stuff I remember from the time, Bush had wanted to go back to war with Iraq prior to 9/11, but there was just no support for any kind of action, and no intel that anything was happening there for us to be worried about. Saddam Hussein was soundly beaten in Desert Storm 1991 - but it wasn't the "redemption" for losing in Vietnam that some people wanted it to be, because he'd escaped.

And if they knew something was about to happen and did nothing to stop it, it may not technically qualify as a false flag - but it still served its purpose of getting people to line up behind GW Bush and support a military action against Saddam Hussein that no one was in support of before.

But then 9/11 happened, and the Bush admin railroaded us to war. And the "we have always been at war with Eastasia" doublethink that conservatives adopted after 9/11 and leading up to the Iraq war laid the groundwork for what is going on right now with Trump. They want to be right, and they want reality to reflect what they think it should be rather than what the evidence says is actually going on. They want to feel good about themselves again after Vietnam and Nixon and Iran Contra and eight years of GW Bush. And everything they do to that end makes them look worse and worse, and deep down they have to be aware of this. But as usual in cases like this, they double down on the fantasy.

They're so deep in their fantasy right now that they're okay with Nazis. This is how far it's gone. When confronted about the worrying fact that so many white nationalists have essentially taken over the Republican party, the standard response is "You libs will call ANYONE a nazi" even though they straight up called Obama Hitler for eight years.

I think that the dissemination of the Richard Spencer punching video may be a wakeup call for some, but others I have talked to are like the "Nice Neighbors" from that one macro, who never rocked the boat and never spoke out of turn, or made trouble for anyone - and who refused to worry about their neighbors being dragged away by the SS or the Stasi.

The problem boils down to the fact that they just don't want to have to think about it.

I mean they can't even admit that Trump's just a trashy reality TV star who closelined Vincent McMahon and cheated on his wives and "grabbed women by the pussy," defrauded college students, and sold shitty vodka and subpar steaks. They have to act like he's some kind of anointed god to even be able to cope - something that they accused Democrats of doing with Obama even though there hasn't been any documented evidence to back this up, as there has been with Republicans doing so with Trump and George W. Bush.

It would be better if they just straight up admitted "we know he is a trashy reality TV star, we just voted for him as a protest vote and to piss everyone else off." But that doesn't make them feel good about themselves. And Republicans are reactionaries who respond to primarily to feeling.

This wasn't something I realized until someone in a thread explained it to me, using Newt Gingrich as an example. Republicans experience no cognitive dissonance when New Gingrich, a serial adulterer, talks to them about Republicans being the party of "family values" - not because of the evidence of what he has done, but because of how his words make them feel.

You can present evidence to Republicans until you're blue in the face, and it won't matter - only feelings matter to them. They primarily respond to emotion. And they want to feel good about themselves.

This is why they hate "Social Justice Warriors." They don't want to think too hard about how the things they say or do may effect other people, and they don't want to be made to feel guilty for it. Their reaction is not introspection; their reaction is to angrily lash out at "Social Justice Warriors" because they made them feel bad. Yet the fact that feel bad means that on some level, they know what they are doing is wrong.

Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a drug.

They voted for a hostile, blustering, psychopathic narcissist who has promised to do things which will hurt his own base the worst, if he is allowed to do it; because we made them feel bad.

Think about that. Think about it especially the next time one of them calls you a "snowflake."

There is also an opportunity here for social engineering on a mass scale, if we'll take it - especially if we manage to use the Church Of Kek's own playbook against them. It's just that so many leftists feel like ain't nobody got time for that anymore. But if there is another terrorist attack, or anything of you nature, you can bet the Trumpettes will take advantage of it and rally the fence-sitters into full compliance - exactly the way they did after 9/11, and leading up to the War in Iraq.
21 January 2017 @ 03:16 pm
Me @ the Dallas Women's March, 1/21/17  
There was a pretty good crowd - early estimates are of about 5000 people. We stand with our fellow protesters elsewhere in the USA, and all over the world.

20 January 2017 @ 12:51 am
We have to come to terms with the fact that a huge portion of the US is not in touch with reality.  
19 January 2017 @ 11:10 pm
1/20/2017: Do It Anyhow.  
In 1981, Richard O’Brien attempted to film a sequel to the famous “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” The original storyline (Brad And Janet go to Frank N Furter’s home planet) could not be filmed due to the writer’s strike which was in full swing by then. He settled on a story which could be filmed on a soundstage: one in which Brad and Janet, Betty Hapschatt, and the Criminologist are forced to come to grips with a Denton, USA that is gradually being taken over by a narcissistic, media-obsessed Fast-Food mogul turned Reality TV show mastermind.

Sound familiar? In the spirit of that theme, I post this now. Whatever you do, do it anyhow. Even if you have to fight for it. Especially if you have to fight for it. And remember: the sun never sets on those who ride into it. We just gotta keep going.

And this comes to us from Gorillaz:

Whatever happens, we won't be alone. We will get through this together.
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Shock Treatment - We're Gonna Do It Anyhow
16 January 2017 @ 04:12 pm
Public Enemy - By The Time I Get To Arizona  

Current Music: Public Enemy - By The Time I Get To Arizona
10 January 2017 @ 07:06 pm
Dylann Roof and the phenomenon of stochastic terrorism.  
 Before posting this, I went looking to see if someone has actually already connected Dylann Roof, who has now received the death penalty for killing nine of his fellow Americans, with the concept of Stochastic Terrorism - which is the phrase which has been coined to describe what happenes when hate speech inspires a "lone wolf" to commit atrocities, leaving the source of the hate speech free to proclaim their innocence, and deny any responsibility for the act. 

This is the only one I've found: "Someone Taught Him To Hate," which was posted on DailyKos back on June 18, 2015.

I won't mince words here - I think it's time we started prosecuting incidents of stochastic terrorism. The First Amendment only goes so far to protect hate speech. Pundits who spew violent rhetoric need to be held accountable for the next time when their hate speech triggers another attack or mass shooting. If the computer of a "lone wolf" shooter or bomber is searched, and stuff like Free Republic and Stormfront and Breitbart comes up, there should be actual repercussions if said "lone wolf" was targeting the people vilified by those websites. There should be fines at least. Gag orders. Something.

The next time some rando shoots up a Planned Parenthood clinic, the authorities need to pay attention to what they might have been reading and what sites they might have been going to, and the people involved should be held accountable for the violence that they're helping to inflict. Authorities should treat hate crimes committed by Christian religious extremists the same that they do crimes committed by Islamic extremists. Get rid of the double standard. It's all terrorism.


Current Music: Dead Kennedys - Nazi Punks Fuck Off
10 January 2017 @ 06:30 pm
More on Trump's alleged ties to Russia  
I guess we'll find out soon if there is anything to these, but here they are. A screencap of part of the dossier is behind a cut, due to NSFW. And a note about the reports, here. Still waiting to be verified but...If needed, brainbleach can be found here.

CNN: Intel Chiefs Presented Trump With Reports Of Russian Attempts To Compromise Him

and then: 

"A dossier making explosive — but unverified — allegations that the Russian government has been “cultivating, supporting and assisting” President-elect Donald Trump for years and gained compromising information about him has been circulating among elected officials, intelligence agents, and journalists for weeks.

The dossier, which is a collection of memos written over a period of months, includes specific, unverified, and potentially unverifiable allegations of contact between Trump aides and Russian operatives, and graphic claims of sexual acts documented by the Russians. CNN reported Tuesday that a two-page synopsis of the report was given to President Barack Obama and Trump.

Now BuzzFeed News is publishing the full document so that Americans can make up their own minds about allegations about the president-elect that have circulated at the highest levels of the US government."

A Highlight: CUT FOR NSFW )
Current Music: CCCP - American Soviets
09 January 2017 @ 10:57 pm
Tried rewatching the Matrix Trilogy.  
 OK, so I was able to watch it with no problems in the ensuing months and first three years or so after Everything Went Down. 

Then around 2009-2010 when I started trying to actually deal with shit, it got harder.

My last real effort was in 2012, when my roommate Ghost got the Ultimate Box Set. 

Then this week.

And I want them to be different. Like, I want it to happen differently this time. 

In the fall of 2006, when the psycho circus had finally left town and things were starting to settle, I started a fanfic where things did happen differently Because Shenanigans, due to the fact that the entire timeline that The Matrix had occured in had become a Tangent Universe (ala Donnie Darko) that wouldn't resolve itself, so the League of Temporal Adventurers from Michael Moorcock's Multiverse ended up having to involve themselves. This ended up in a divergent timeline, which split off from the original where everything happened like the films, like in the Star Trek reboot movies. Jerry Cornelius is the Anomaly of his timeline in the Moorcock books (with his brother Frank being the Virus.) He and Smith ended up in a bromance for the ages. I never finished it, but it basically turned into a Buddy Cop Movie where Smith and The English Assassin teamed up to take on the System. Keanu could do it...except then it would just be John Wick, with an English accent.

I'm not sure that this is exactly what I want to happen either, now.

Ghost has told me that the sequels didn't even happen as the Wachowski Starship even originally planned them, and that a lot of the decisions which were made later, which the fans hated, happened due to executive meddling. I heard a rumor that the sequels were originally supposed to be one film that was split into two, and a lot of the pacing issues in Revolutions that people complained about came from padding it out into an entire third film. I'm not sure how much truth there is to this -  but I'm not sure what more could be done to Reloaded from a filmmaking standpoint. That's a whole movie with a beginning, a middle, and an end...just not The End. And for years I thought it was superior even to the original film, because we get to see intrigue. We get to see Machine Culture. The Matrix and the Machine world aren't just a giant monolithic organization. There are cracks in the facade of unity and Singularity. I wish I'd had a chance to play the MMO - but by the time I had a job that would let me pay for rent and highspeed internet at the same time, it had ended. 

But I'm trying to power through them, and I want the story to be different this time. Maybe it's to shed the association with something that literally consumed my life. Maybe because the stuff that seemed so deep doesn't hold the same meaning for me anymore. 

I'm not even sure if I can really explain how. Maybe it's a metaphor for me wishing that everything had happened differently through all of 2005 and most of 2006.

I really wish a lot of things had gone down differently.

Anyway, apropos of nothing: Wuthering Heights!

ETA: Well, there's this: a fanedit which combines the sequels and the video games into one movie.

Current Music: Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
09 January 2017 @ 10:52 pm
This was a real conversation that my friends and I had Saturday.  
Current Music: Prince - Raspberry Beret